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That Guy’s Tips for Corporate Success, #11 November 12, 2008

Posted by That Guy in Tips for Corporate Success.
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Never make microwave popcorn at the office.

On the back of every bag of microwave popcorn is a set of instructions that likely goes like this:

  1. Remove outer plastic wrap.
  2. Place bag in microwave, this side up.
  3. Microwave on high for up to three minutes. Do not use your microwave’s “popcorn” setting.
  4. Monitor the popcorn until you hear one-to-two seconds between pops.
  5. Remove, open bag, and enjoy. Caution: contents will be hot.

Used under CC license; by Flickr user shutterpillar.

Used under CC license; by Flickr user shutterpillar.

Pretty simple, right? You do it at home all the time — throw a bag into the microwave, go into the living room, put in a DVD, and when you come back, it’s done. You’ve got it down to a science.

But there’s just something about microwaves at the office. It doesn’t matter how well they warm your leftover chicken-and-dumplings, or your ramen noodles, or your Chef Boyardee cup-o-processed-food, or even your Weight Watchers tasty lunch that won’t really fill you up no matter what they say. That microwave will ruin your popcorn.

Used under CC license; by Flickr user skaty222.

Used under CC license; by Flickr user skaty222.

Don’t believe me? Try it. Go on. Bring in a bag of microwaveable popcorn, toss it in, and wait. Even if you stand right in front of the microwave and stop it when the popping reaches one-to-two seconds between pops, odds are very, very strong that your entire office will hate you. Especially if it’s a “snack-size” bag — those things are tricky even under controlled, in-your-kitchen circumstances.

Safe alternatives include: popping the popcorn at home and bringing it in with you; purchasing popcorn at your local deli (the kind with the weird yellow stuff on it); partaking in your co-worker’s kid’s “buy this overpriced tin of popcorn to support my school” sale; eating something different as a snack. If you’re going with the latter, make sure to keep some wipes at your desk; that orange cheese gets everywhere. Just, whatever you do, don’t spoil it for your entire office. Don’t make microwave popcorn on the job.

* So why have it on there? Haven’t microwave makers figured out yet that popcorn manufacturers have made it verboten to use that button?

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