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un-green this earth day April 22, 2010

Posted by That Guy in A Very Corporate Something, Seen Elsewhere.
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3 comments

The 9-to-fried blog posted “7 ways to un-green your office this earth day”*. As I’m the kind of person that doesn’t go crazy about keeping green**, these types of articles really appeal to me.

1. Throw all paper, bottles, and cans in the regular trash- There is no room in the office for extra receptacles. It should all go into one big can that gets dumped behind the building every week. Look for a sewer, a running stream, or a car with the top down.

2. Make sure you’re using the most expensive and high powered light bulbs available- I’d suggest using either indoor tanning bulbs or just buying more lights for the office.

3. Make sure every light is on in the office at all times- Even in rooms no one uses like closets, conference rooms supply closests and the bosses’ special “nook nook with the intern” room. Keep the copier running at all times. Leave on all computers at night and download a huge file every day at 5 p.m. to ensure it never goes into sleep mode.

4. Always use disposable cutlery and plates- Use them as often as possible. A different fork for every bite of lunch. Use paper plates as memo pads. Use copy paper as napkins. Play games of “how many sheets of paper can you rip at one time.” Loser builds a life-sized plastic knife fort in the break room.

5. Take turns driving around the parking lot- See who can complete a lap in the fastest time. Buy an office car that uses diesel gas. In fact, pour the gas on the lawn and light it on fire so it makes a ring around the office complex. Then do laps like Evil Knievel.

6. Use aerosol cans as an element of illusion- Whenever you enter or leave a room, spray the cans like a mist, and then APPEAR. (cloud of Lysol) “I AM HERE! Start the presentation!” Also works well for leaving bosses office when you screw up. POOF!

7. Kill all office plants- Their time has come. All those days of mocking you. Laughing. It’s over Johnny. MICHAEL CORLEONE SENDS HIS REGARDS!!!!

In truth, I use the recycle bins (1), turn off lights when I’m not using them (3)***, drive as little as possible by not going out to eat (5), and only use canned air but freshen the room with Renuzit cone deodorizers (6). But if the Earth Day hoopla gets on your nerves, read this and know there are people out there who feel the same as you.

***

* I actually found this article last year, but it was well after Earth Day. So I saved it — way back in May of last year — to post this Earth Day.

** I recycle, and I drive a hybrid, and I try not to make too much trash, but I don’t go out of my way to use renewable resources or eat free-range food. That’s just too expensive.

*** Since I work in a 24/7 shop, it’s almost impossible to turn the lights off, but I shut them off in the gym and locker rooms when I’m done. And I turn off my monitors at night, but not the computer because I do occasionally have to log in from home and can’t do that without a CPU.