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un-green this earth day April 22, 2010

Posted by That Guy in A Very Corporate Something, Seen Elsewhere.
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The 9-to-fried blog posted “7 ways to un-green your office this earth day”*. As I’m the kind of person that doesn’t go crazy about keeping green**, these types of articles really appeal to me.

1. Throw all paper, bottles, and cans in the regular trash- There is no room in the office for extra receptacles. It should all go into one big can that gets dumped behind the building every week. Look for a sewer, a running stream, or a car with the top down.

2. Make sure you’re using the most expensive and high powered light bulbs available- I’d suggest using either indoor tanning bulbs or just buying more lights for the office.

3. Make sure every light is on in the office at all times- Even in rooms no one uses like closets, conference rooms supply closests and the bosses’ special “nook nook with the intern” room. Keep the copier running at all times. Leave on all computers at night and download a huge file every day at 5 p.m. to ensure it never goes into sleep mode.

4. Always use disposable cutlery and plates- Use them as often as possible. A different fork for every bite of lunch. Use paper plates as memo pads. Use copy paper as napkins. Play games of “how many sheets of paper can you rip at one time.” Loser builds a life-sized plastic knife fort in the break room.

5. Take turns driving around the parking lot- See who can complete a lap in the fastest time. Buy an office car that uses diesel gas. In fact, pour the gas on the lawn and light it on fire so it makes a ring around the office complex. Then do laps like Evil Knievel.

6. Use aerosol cans as an element of illusion- Whenever you enter or leave a room, spray the cans like a mist, and then APPEAR. (cloud of Lysol) “I AM HERE! Start the presentation!” Also works well for leaving bosses office when you screw up. POOF!

7. Kill all office plants- Their time has come. All those days of mocking you. Laughing. It’s over Johnny. MICHAEL CORLEONE SENDS HIS REGARDS!!!!

In truth, I use the recycle bins (1), turn off lights when I’m not using them (3)***, drive as little as possible by not going out to eat (5), and only use canned air but freshen the room with Renuzit cone deodorizers (6). But if the Earth Day hoopla gets on your nerves, read this and know there are people out there who feel the same as you.

***

* I actually found this article last year, but it was well after Earth Day. So I saved it — way back in May of last year — to post this Earth Day.

** I recycle, and I drive a hybrid, and I try not to make too much trash, but I don’t go out of my way to use renewable resources or eat free-range food. That’s just too expensive.

*** Since I work in a 24/7 shop, it’s almost impossible to turn the lights off, but I shut them off in the gym and locker rooms when I’m done. And I turn off my monitors at night, but not the computer because I do occasionally have to log in from home and can’t do that without a CPU.

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“we’ve got to get that on the website now!” May 6, 2009

Posted by That Guy in A Stunning Example of Synergy, Did I Hear That Right?, Management.
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CC-licensed photo by Louise Docker

CC-licensed photo by Louise Docker

As you’re probably aware, Earth Day was two weeks ago today. Our company has always done a little something special on Earth Day; this year, we put up a page with some “greening your office” tips and changed our main page for the day.

I guess it was a busy day for management, because the Two-Year-Old came running out of her office at about eleven saying “It’s Earth Day! What are we doing for Earth Day! We have to get Earth Day on our website!”

One of my co-workers, Quincy, who is not known for caring about our website in any way, said:

That’s already on the website. We had it up more than an hour ago*.

The Two-Year-Old, who recently gave an interview to a very popular website about how our company is changing with the times, didn’t even look at our website! She specifically said our website is one of the most important parts of our business, but because we didn’t do a gigantic graphical link at the top of the page, she didn’t notice it was there (if she even went to the site at all today).

If anyone tells her about the <blink> tag, that person is going to be thrown off the roof by me and my boss. Headfirst. We’ll aim for the basketball hoop; it’s about the right distance to be a three-pointer.

Seriously. If the company is going to hire a VP to make things better, how about you make sure to hire someone who isn’t going to repeat the mistakes of the last three VPs. Start by checking the website before you fly off the handle next time.

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* Quincy comes in at 10 a.m., so that would’ve been the earliest he saw the site. It was actually up at midnight; someone in my department took care of it because no one else cared.