another post about poop and work October 28, 2009
Posted by That Guy in Seen Elsewhere, Wasting Time.Tags: bathroom break, ceo, immd, poop, poop friend, psp
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Yes, that’s right, it’s another post about poop and work. This has been on my mind lately because my stomach has been giving me hell and I’ve been… um… indisposed at work far more often than I probably should be. At least I don’t have to account for my bathroom breaks. Although, funny story: a few Fridays ago I went to the bathroom at 5:50 without my ID and at 6:05 when I tried to go back to my desk I was locked out of my own floor. Fortunately someone else was coming along and she let me in.
I also alluded to the fact that, once upon a time, that my ex-boss walked into the bathroom, realized it was me in the stall, and struck up a conversation. I think that was probably a little more disturbing than this:
I sneak into my workplace bathroom everyday to play some PSP. After 6 months of playing at the same time, I hear a voice comin’ from the toilet next to mine saying: so… watcha playin? wanna go wifi? It’s been 5 days and the company’s CEO and I play everyday at 3pm!
I’m guessing this guy works at a design firm or some sort of art-related job, or somewhere with a very small group of very eclectic people. I just can’t see any CEO, or even any regular manager, where I’ve ever worked actually doing this. Except maybe myself, when I was a manager, but in those bathrooms the lights shut off after ten minutes unless someone triggered the motion sensors, so on the plus side you knew how long you had.
This one, however, is a little more likely:
I just talked to a CEO of a Fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
My friend Park isn’t self-employed, but he works at home 90 percent of the time. He’s a programmer who designs billing systems for web commerce. You’ve probably seen his work while surreptitiously entering your credit card information into a website that promises you access to college-age women performing intimate activities for your enjoyment. Anyway, Park talks to everyone while he’s at home — his boss, his co-workers, his clients, whoever he has to. I don’t think he’s talked to a Fortune 500 CEO, but it’s certainly possible that people who work at home as much as Park does have at least talked to some pretty powerful people while pooping.
The closest I ever got was taking a call from a recruiter while pooping. I’m pretty sure he had no idea.
Why did I write this post? Besides to talk about poop a lot? Basically to say this: stories like the ones above are the exception, not the rule. For the most part, pooping should be done privately. The only person you should tell is your poop friend.
What, you don’t have one? Make one immediately.
nobody poop! July 23, 2009
Posted by That Guy in Free Food!, Inexplicable Memos From Above, Wasting Time.Tags: coffee, e-mail, lunch, plumbing, poop, Wasting Time, water
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In my e-mail yesterday morning:
In order to repair a leak in our main water line we will be shutting the water to the building off, we’ll get it back on as soon as possible.
In other words, someone needs to get on the paging system and say: “NOBODY POOP!”
Anyway, about five minutes later I got this e-mail:
After further review the plumber has determined that the leak is in a different line, so the building water supply will be restored in the next few minutes.
That was 10:30. When I went into the kitchen at 12:30 to grab my lunch, the water was still off. At 5 p.m., half an hour before quitting time, the water was still off. I was really tempted to work from home today, but the water, thankfully, was back on.
Photo by Jacky Jazzowl
When your building is having water issues, it can be a real pain, and not just in the ass. Not only can you not use the toilets, but you can’t wash your hands, you can’t fill your water bottles, you can’t add water to your oatmeal or condensed soup, and you can’t wash out your coffee mug.
Speaking of coffee mugs, you also can’t make coffee if there’s no water. And coffee is undoubtedly the lifeblood of offices, more so now that fewer people are smoking — which was the social event of the 50s and 60s, or so I’m told by people who were in the workforce then. Coffee provides a nice little window of time which incorporates the selection, the cleaning of the pot and filter system, the brewing, the pouring, the adding of the milk and sugar, and the blowing of the steam. Add to that all the time you spend talking as people come in and out of the break room, and the slow, patient Hot Coffee Walk back to your desk (during which you pause to talk to everyone you possibly can) and you’ve killed between 15 and 30 minutes.
No other activity at work wastes more time with more imagined legitimacy than a coffee break, and without water, there’s no coffee. And without coffee, you have to do actual work.
Perish the thought.
rolled-up newspaper guy May 21, 2009
Posted by That Guy in Staff, Wasting Time.Tags: newspaper, poop
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About a month ago, I suggested that you should poop at work. But I probably should’ve added “be discreet about it”. As RockstarMama warns:
Dear Walking Down the Hall With Your Rolled-up Newspaper Guy,
You aren’t fooling anyone. We all know you’re going to poop.
You probably do this every day, except on the toilet instead of in the park. (Photo by Elvert Barnes)
You probably have a smartphone. Just read the news on that, or play a game. With the sound off, please.
That Guy’s Tips for Corporate Success, #17 April 15, 2009
Posted by That Guy in Tips for Corporate Success, Wasting Time.Tags: bathroom, poop, tax day
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On a day when the vast majority of Americans either are pooped on by the government or are waiting to get money back that they’ve invested in a zero-interest-savings-account with the government, I figured it would be a nice relief* to read something amusing.
CC-licensed photo by Ruthanne Reid.
Unfortunately, someone’s already written a treatise as to why you should poop at work. I’m not going to step on Laurie Ruettimann’s masterwork, “Do You Poo At Work? (Because Maybe You Should), but I am going to pull a little bit of it for you to enjoy:
I have a very good friend who once confessed to me that he only poops at work. He told me that it is the American dream to get paid to take a dump. Lots of people are losing their jobs, he said, and he intended on taking advantage of one of the few remaining perks in life – sitting on the toilet at his office.
He said, “Why poop at home if someone is paying you to work? Might as well poop on the clock.”
And that, my friends, is the crux of the issue. Your company cannot legally prevent you from going to the bathroom (I think). If you’re not abusing the privilege, then what’s the problem? So you take 20 minutes in the bathroom to read the paper. So you answer the occasional e-mail to the sound of others flushing and running. So you inadvertently observe who’s washing their hands and who’s on yellow alert — that is, who hasn’t at least made a token effort to rinse their hands. At the very least you’ll know not to use their desks, right?
While I don’t advertise it to my co-workers, I think I can share with you that I do poop at work. Sometimes twice a day. When the urge comes upon me, why should I suppress it? There are four bathrooms in this building, plus a semi-secret pair of stalls near one of the conference rooms. Why shouldn’t I use one of them? What’s the problem?
Haven’t pooped at work yet? Try it out. You may find it more relaxing than you ever expected.
Just because you’re on the clock doesn’t mean you shouldn’t poop at work.
There’s your tip for Tax Day. Enjoy.
* See what I did there?
corporatespeak 